All I Need is One Good Idea

Said the person who really needed a good idea....

This is my first—and likely only—installment in a segment of Age of Enlightenment I call “News You Can Use.” News You Can Use consists of timely, informative pieces (at least one, anyway) brimming with actionable content.

I wasn’t scheduled to post a new essay until early February, but it turns out time is of the essence. Why?

Three words: Progresso Soup Drops.

What do you think of when you hear that term? My first thought was of cans of Progresso Soup being dumped out of a plane, each of them floating to earth with the assistance of an individual, soup-can-sized parachute.

It’s amazing how AI can read my mind….

But I was wrong! These are The Real Deal—a can of savory hard candies that taste just like a can of Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup.

The Real Deal. Image thanks to Progresso.

Yes, Soup You Can Suck On. And, no, I didn’t make that slogan up. I wish I had, but it’s the real deal. And just in time for National Soup Month and anything else (?!?) that might be ailing you this January.

Here’s the s(c)oup, according to a VP at General Mills, which owns Progresso:

“We took the beloved flavors of our Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup and packed them into a fun, savory candy Soup Drop for a totally new way to enjoy the taste you love whenever and wherever you want.”

So, yes. Soup Drops. Progresso could’ve stopped at Chicken Soup Drops and had a Nobel-worthy creation. But the food scientists who worked on this soup-er secret project went the extra mile and included NOODLES in the flavor profile. Don’t tell me noodles have no actual independent flavor. I get that it’s like making a tea-flavored gummy and calling the flavor “iced tea.” Or taking Lime Jello and repackaging it as Limeade Jello. That’s called Marketing, my friends, and Marketing is a powerful tool.

Do you realize how impressive it is to make Chicken Noodle Soup-flavored candy? It’s so hard that, up to now, the only person ever to try making a candy that tastes like a meal and succeed was Willy Wonka. (See, e.g., the Everlasting Gobstopper.) And he’s not even a real person. (So, apparently, you can make this stuff up? Marketing!)

I haven’t tried these tasty nuggets of soup suckability. But it’s not because I didn’t try! I ran (not walked) to the internet as soon as I heard about them to find out which of my local soupermarkets (not a typo) carried them. I had a comprehensive, scientific taste test planned. I was going to try Progresso Soup Drops so you wouldn’t have to.

But I can’t. I can’t because (1) Progresso Soup Drops are only available online, which is not a problem in itself, but (2) new batches become available each Thursday morning in January (at 9:00 a.m. Eastern), and (3) they’re a soup-er hot (room temperature, actually) commodity. In other words…

I don’t know (because I don’t know how to know), but I suspect the secondary market for Chicken Noodle Soup Drops is hotter than crypto. As best I can tell, my chances of snagging a can are about as high as Progresso coming out with a Lentil Soup gummy bear. Okay, given the present situation, that might not be such a low probability. Which, honestly, scares me a little.

But the next (and final) batch is coming THIS THURSDAY! If you’re lucky enough to snag an order for the low, low price of $2.49, not only do you get a can of Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup Drops, you also get an actual can of Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup.

This, I fear, is where the whole Chicken Noodle Soup Drops thing falls apart. Because, while I don’t know whether actual chickens or noodles were harmed in the creation of Chicken Noodle Soup Drops, I suspect the primary “ingredient” is a little something known as the power of suggestion. If it were me, I might not include such a stark point of comparison (or, as I fear might be the case, stark point of contrast) in the deal.

Consider, if you will, “dessert” yogurt. Flavors like Cherry Cheesecake, Mocha Tiramisu, Boston Cream Pie, for example. The prime ingredient in each of these is the power of suggestion, and the yogurt people know this. It’s why they put a picture of the dessert on the cup—and why they never offer to sell you the real thing on the side. (If the lawyers read this, I love these yogurts, okay?)

Despite all of this, I admire the heck out of whoever came up with this audacious campaign. I want to thank that person and let them know that, should they have an abundance of free time starting around February 1st, I’ve got some projects in the works that might be of interest….

Salmon Slurpees? (“Fish You Can Slurp”)

Chicken Pot Pie Popsicles? (“Comfort Food You Can Chill With”)

Taco Croissant? (“Because the Taco Danish Scared Our Focus Group”)

So here’s the one-hundred-percent-true s(c)oup. This Thursday at 9 a.m. ET is your last chance to buy Progresso Soup Drops. For $2.49, plus $0.99 shipping and handling, you can purchase a can of 20 Chicken Noodle Soup Drops, which come with a can of Chicken Noodle soup. When you consider they throw in the soup, it’s honestly a bargain. The only downside, according to some (based on my scientific survey of online reviews), is that they also throw in the Soup Drops. But if you’re lucky enough to score a can, let me know what you think! ProgressoSoupDrops.com