How am I Doing?
A New Year's Resolutions Status Report
To post or not to post? I was all set to post this piece this morning, but awoke to yet another day where sending humor into the world felt questionable, which is also coming to be known as a day that ends in “y.” It’s another serious day. But maybe that’s exactly when the world needs humor and the creatives need to get to work. I’ll leave it to you to decide when to read. As Mark Twain is said to have said, “The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.” Even (especially) on days that end in “y.” (That last part is mine.)
As we approach the end of February, it feels like the right time to share a status report on my New Year’s resolutions. To be honest, I could’ve submitted this status report as early as mid-January, but “Do Not Procrastinate” was not on my list. It didn’t help that January’s weather made it the worst February ever. This has been a winter where the months feel like years. Which means mid-January 2026 felt more like April 2027, which means the end of February is something like May 2028. This has been such a winter that I’m not even sure what that last sentence means—possible interpretations include (1) it took me far longer than usual to blow up my resolutions, (2) I’m incredibly late posting this piece, or (3) I really need Spring to come soon. Or (4) All of the above.
Before we get started…Yes, I illustrated this myself. No, I don’t know what got into me. Maybe, I’ll do it again someday. Or maybe not. Let me know what you think.
Here we go….
Resolution #1: Do more Kegels.
Status: We live in a world where 61 is the new 41. And yet, when it comes to the pelvic floor, I fear 61 will be the new 60. Hence, this self-assigned stretch assignment. Despite my best intentions, I’m sorry to report that “Do more Kegels” has morphed into “Eat more bagels.” (It might have morphed into “Eat more kugel,” but I don’t know how to draw kugel.) Bagels are definitely better than Kegels in the short term. Kegels are a long game. (Please don’t say anything in the comments, Mom. I’ll promise to get right back to them. As soon as I finish this bagel.)
Resolution #2: Go to the gym.
Status: Would be happy just to meet a guy named Jim. Not necessarily at the gym. Because that would involve going to the gym. Besides, when I do go to the gym, my husband (not named Jim) also goes to the gym.
Resolution #3: Give stand-up a try.
Status: Try standing up more. And walking, as soon as it’s warm enough. Meanwhile, I’m spending way too much time at my desk writing, in a chair reading, on the couch pretending I’m awake whenever we sit down to watch a movie.
Resolution #4: Lose some weight.
Status: I think I lost my weights. Does that count? I know they’re somewhere in the house, but I think they’re trying to send me a message.
Resolution #5: Participate in more high-impact activities.
Status: Does getting rear-ended on the highway count? Because if it does, I can cross this off my list! All is okay. Not with the car, but with everyone in it. Can’t say the same for the four grape tomatoes that fell out of the groceries we were carrying in the back. Because they were crushed by the bikes we picked a terrible time to transport.
Resolution #6: Be more organized.
Status: I’ve revolutionized the concept of organization, so I’m taking the win here! On reflection, it’s not that I’m dis-organized—it’s that I simultaneously operate multiple organizational systems utilizing an impressive and sometimes contradictory array of organizational principles that add up to one overarching maxim: “Annoy myself and everyone around me until I actually do something.” Current best practices include:
Placing household objects I need to bring down (or up)stairs someplace where they become tripping hazards. This is incredibly effective, especially when it comes to reminding my husband how annoying I can be.
Putting the sweater I need to dry clean on my desk chair, turning its very existence into a reminder to go to the dry cleaner—and a substantially improved ergonomic experience when I sit down to write.
Sending myself emails with reminders in the subject line. Auto-Correct is a tremendous help here, sending me reminders like Return Liberty Bones (return library books), Dentures Apologize (dentist appointment), and Colonize Scones (something about a colonoscopy maybe?).
Resolution #7: Stop sitting on the sweater I need to dry clean.
Status: Abject fail. But now I can reach my keyboard!
Resolution #8: Clean out my email inbox.
Status: See #6, above. I have sent myself multiple emails reminding myself to do this, which may be working at cross-purposes here. It doesn’t exactly help that those reminder emails disappear almost as soon as they hit my inbox, lost beneath a crush of emails conveying fake PayPal invoices I don’t owe, newsletters from newspapers to which I no longer subscribe, and free NYTimes Cooking emails filled with recipes I can’t access because I don’t subscribe to NY Times Cooking on principle. If I subscribe to the newspaper, why isn’t this enough? And, while we’re on the subject, I’m still bitter that they shoved the Mini Crossword behind a paywall. Free The Mini!
Resolution #9: Fervently, indisputably, exuberantly use fewer adverbs.
Status: Absolutely, positively, wholeheartedly failed.
Resolution #10: Look on the bright side!
Status: At least the sweater I needed to dry clean is already pressed! Yes, it also now permanently carries the imprint of my rear end, which gives the impression my boobs are sagging (which they are not, thank you very much), but again, pressed!
One resolution I made and have kept this year is to try a few things that scare me. Last weekend, I participated in Wham! Bam! Thank You! Slam!’s February story slam for women writers on Substack. It scared me. I loved it. I’m going to do it again! (In April.)
Watch the replay below. If you love a good story, please consider becoming a subscriber or, at a minimum, a regular ticket purchaser. If you’re a writer, consider participating! I can assure you that writing with listeners in mind is a whole new ball game. A four-minute time limit brings immense clarity, and reading your story for an audience (yes, even on Zoom) is a ton of fun.
Created by human intelligence. Typed by human figners. That’s enlightenment!
If you missed my last post, take a moment to enjoy A Mom to the Core.
You're hilarious. This is perfect. 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 10. We're definitely related. And I LOVE your drawings (especially the smiley face divider). Oy, such talent. And I bet, if you try hard, you could draw a kugel. I'm sure of it, in fact. And sweetie, thanks for the shoutout for the slam! You were great, it was great. Post about March show coming out in a couple days. I'm thrilled you want to do it again. I couldn't stop once I got started. How wonderful to be storytellers.
Great gig.
I'm impressed that you have all of these resolutions! I still need to make one!